Civil Penalty Update

This is a post of praise to update you all that the $500 penalty has been lifted!

We sent a letter to appeal the civil penalty fine for having a "nanny" while Christian was in our home. It takes great strength to simply put it as that... but if you've been following us on this journey, you know our frustrations with calling Cari our "nanny" during that time.

It came back denied by Jail (if you can remember, she was one of the two ladies who sat me down and let me have it!). We expected that. So Mark emailed Debra (the other woman of the two) and asked the following:

"We just got back our denial for contesting the fees assessed to us. We expected Jayle to do as much, but I know there are supposed to be 4 levels in the process so I'm wondering what do we have to do to get it run up to the next level?

Also, what happens if we refuse to pay the fee? We spoke to a lawyer and he basically said he didn't think we should pay and if it has to go to court that he would fight it there for us. I'm just wondering what are the issues involved in not paying the penalty."

Her response?

"I have spoken to Jayle and she told me if you turn in your license with a note stating that you no longer wish to be El Dorado County foster parents, the whole process stops and the civil penalties go away. That would be my suggestion."

Hallelujah! What an answer to prayer!! Thank you to all who have lifted us up and prayed for us!

On May 2nd, I emailed Debra my final email. Final because Mark has forbidden me to talk with anyone working with CPS again. He wants to be the voice and protect me from any further abuse. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for him in drawing such boundaries! Anyway, this is what I wrote to her over a week ago:

"Hi Debra,

Please take us off the list. After much thought and prayer we are saddened to end our journey with CPS here. If you have any further questions, please ask my husband, Mark. Please "unsubscribe me" and take me off all your email blasts. Thank you and God bless you and everyone where you work!"

So, it couldn't have worked out smoother than that and I am praising God for a peaceful closure to this journey.

Sometimes I think, "what was the point of that?" in reflecting on our foster care journey. And sometimes, honestly, I don't know! But God doesn't promise us answers, He promises that He is good all the time and He asks us to obey Him in faith knowing His character and His heart.

So while I struggle with thinking we had a part in traumatizing poor C, I have to remember all that we did while he was in our home. And when I think about all those days, God was present. It was good.

So I leave this journey continuing to trust in God and His plans for us AND for sweet and precious Christian knowing that He is in control.

And while his stay with us ended abruptly, as a Christian, I know how the story ends... the big picture story that doesn't stop with him being ripped from our home... God wins! Love wins! He is faithful! Also, He redeems the broken all the time.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

Calloused Hearts Cannot Read Pure Intentions

You read the title correctly. They are illiterate. Blind. Calloused.

Today was a highly traumatic experience for me. One that brought me to tears... once again... and my husband to step up and draw firm boundaries between our family and El Dorado County CPS.

I got a call from Debra Brown on Tuesday afternoon asking if I could come in for a conference on Thursday. After playing phone tag, we connected and I told her I couldn't with such short notice because I'd have to arrange child care. She assured me that it was not a problem, "you can bring him. This place is kid friendly." So I asked what it was in regards to and she said that I needed to sign some paperwork to close our involvement in the placement.

Sounded easy enough, and closure is something I've been looking for!

So, today, Ethan and I showed up. They were kind to give E some toys to play with. They had me sit down at a conference-like table. Debra and her supervisor, Jail, on one end and me on the other.

Debra did most of the talking. She had me sign papers saying such things as "You were in violation of code _ _ _ _ for 'changing his name' or 'not having your babysitter fingerprinted'" (paraphrasing of course... it sounded way more formal and by the book than that).

I obediently signed and humbly admitted that "next time I will not 'change his/her name' unless and until s/he is adopted."

They would much rather I expose the child's real name to others. That or I'm not supposed to call him anything in public? A good way to feel invisible or less than equal to his peers.

But no, really. I understand.

It all has to do with the child's confusion (which... he was not. And no, you wouldn't know because you spent a few hours with him when he was in transition or... being traumatized again by their removal). I get it. It was all for the child.

But I understand that rules are rules. And rules are their key concern at El Dorado County CPS.

Then Debra slid a paper my way describing that we were in violation with code _ _ _ _ for not having our babysitter fingerprinted and therefore, were getting fined for $500.

I asked why we were getting fined when we asked our social worker several times if we were doing anything wrong and she said, "no."

This is when Jail piped in saying, "That's not her job. You should have known because it was mentioned in orientation and the PRIDE series."

I said, "I looked through the PRIDE note book and it wasn't in there. I also don't remember hearing that in the PRIDE class."

Jail: "Well that's a real problem."

"Yes, I agree."

Jail: "It's a a big problem."

"I agree." (with absolutely no sarcasm in my tone... I was earnestly agreeing)

Jail: "Well, it's in your handbook which is your bible. It's in there and it was in the classes."

"I am deeply saddened by this. I really wish you could see our hearts. We sought counsel when we had him and we were denied that truth."

Debra: "You might be trying to do a good thing, but you are still under code and now you are in trouble with the state."

Literally I was shaking at this point....

"Well, shame on us for trying to do a good thing."

So I signed the paper saying that I had received the notice that we will be getting fined.

Then I said, "You know, I really wish you would have told me about all this (prior to coming). I wish my husband were here, it feels a little 2:1."

They didn't have much to say about that.
Just like they didn't have much to say when the picked up Christian.

Then they went on to talk about my Facebook page, which they had hacked. Apparently I had 2 pictures on there of Christian. I told them I will take those down and that I was sorry.

Then they talked about my blog. I told them that there are smiley faces over his pictures. They insisted that there was one picture that you could see the side of his face and that even if it were the back of his head, his family could recognize it and sue us.

So, I told them I would take down all the pictures.

By the way, if this is the case... public television should get equally sued for blurring faces on camera.

They also wanted me to take down any writing.

I said, "If it's between me and the county, I don't see how that would be in violation of his privacy."

Our heartache, our struggles... they can't control that.
They can't smother truth.

Because really... this is the truth:

We were wrong. We broke some violations and to them, it was all potentially very serious.

It's not that we didn't ask if we were doing anything wrong - on several occasions - and that we weren't willing to fix it. This is the exact reason we were asking. We wanted to do what was best for Christian!

But this is also truth:

We loved Christian. We didn't sign up to take children for a paycheck or even for our own benefit such as another way to grow our family. We "signed up" to help children and show them what if feels like to be safe and loved... and we were committed to that for the rest of their lives if the opportunity presented itself.

And if you were a fly on the wall, you would see that Christian was safe and he was loved. Period. If that is what the county was looking for, they found it. But! They treated us all - Christian included - like objects you could just toss aside and move around as if we were board game pieces in the game of CPS.

Do not pass Go. Do not collect life giving grace. Go straight to Jail (ironic, right?).

And this is where there is complete loss.

You see, we were still open. We were still going to be open to trying again if we felt the nudge from God... we were just praying about it and the right timing.

Now...

Mark put the kibash on that. As of today, I am no longer allowed to talk with them. If they want to speak with us, they speak to him. We are done with the system (abuse included) and it looks like our prayers have been answered.

The entire ride home I sobbed. Ethan should not have been there... he should not have witnessed it. He said, "Why aren't you happy, Mommy? You're crying? Why are you crying? Those ladies were mean to you? They hurt you?"

Further evidence of their "kid friendly environment." It may be drug free, alcohol free, with security nearby. But make no mistake... it's not heart friendly.

And as a mother, I am in the business of growing, molding, encouraging, and shaping hearts to be healthy. Not broken.

And this is where there is a disconnect.

Calloused Hearts Cannot Read Pure Intentions.

And here comes the cherry. While packing up toys and getting ready to leave, Jail says,

"I hope we don't have to come back here again and you learn from your mistakes."

Nothing short of a verbal back hand across the mouth.

Not having words for this and trying really hard to love on her through it all I said, "Thank you for your time."

That was a lie.
The only lie that ever came out of my mouth this whole time.
I wasn't thankful for her time or her heartless choice of words.
None of it.

But it's all I could think to say, because when the rug is ripped out from beneath you, the wind gets knocked out of you too.

I told them both to have a good day.
That was honest.

If I told them both to have a wonderful life, that would also be honest.
I don't wish them ill will.
I wish things could change though.

We would strongly appreciate your prayers:

• Continued prayers for Christian. That he's in the home of a warm, patient, and loving family. That his soul is healing and moving on to experience the greatest of joys!
• For our family, that we would heal. It's like CPS keeps picking at a scab and forcing it to scar.
• Pray for the system. That their hearts would be open and sensitive to the children and families who put themselves out there... especially for the right reasons.

I hope our experience and trails will shine some light on what really can happen and does happen in the system. I hope to see more Jesus/more sacrificial love and life giving grace in these parts where it is so desperately needed. I hope this lights a fire within some of you to dive in, learn from our mistakes, and save some kids from a viscous cycle! Pick up the cross and follow Him.

"From now on, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen." - Galatians 6:17-18

Interesting commentary from my Life Application Bible in regards to the above scripture...

"Paul's letter to the Galatians boldly declares the freedom of the Christian. Doubtless these early Christians in Galatia wanted to grow in the Christian life, but they were being misled by those who said this could be done only by keeping certain Jewish laws.

How strange it would be for a prisoner who had been set free to walk back into his or her cell and refuse to leave! How strange for an animal, released from a trap, to go back inside it! How sad for a believer to be freed from the bondage of sin, only to return to the rigid conformity to a set of rules and regulations!

If you believe in Jesus Christ, you have been set free. Instead of going back into some form of slavery, whether to legalism or to sin, use your freedom to live for Christ and serve Him as He desires."

A Slice of Closure

We finally got some answers and, therefore, a sliver of closure. Make no mistake, the case is closed (as far as we're involved)... but I don't consider it total closure as our family will forever continue to pray for sweet Christian.

C was taken on Friday, the 22nd of February... you know the story... Like A Bandaid... 

The very next day was Ethan's 3rd birthday party... the day after E's party our family went on vacation to Disney World. Every single day we were in the "happiest place on earth" I called El Dorado County hoping to find some answers. 

If you can recall, when I got the call from our social worker telling us that she was coming to pick up C, she told me that she'd "explain when [she] got there"... and then she didn't. I'm having a hard time searching for words to describe this other than, she lied. Dishonest? Misleading? Well, they're all synonyms for "fib". 

So I called... while waiting in line for a ride, at the hotel, pretty much in every theme park Walt Disney World has... trying to find someone who could tell me more than, "I can't tell you that."

I found 2 people that week who picked up the phone. One was a supervisor who told me that "it was an administrative decision that Pam be the only person to talk with me about this." 

Okay! That's someone! I got her number on Tuesday, so I called and left a message Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, annnnd Friday. Her voicemail says she "will return calls within 24 hours" so I had to ask, was she out sick or avoiding me like the plague? 

My guess? She had 1,000 other problems to deal with and fires to put out... that, and she didn't want none of this ;)... would you?

We got back from Florida close to midnight on Sunday... so on Monday, I tried calling again. This time, Pam picked up the phone. It's easier for me to describe what happened in dialogue format. It's not exactly word for word, but without recording our conversation, this is what happened:

A: "Hi Pam, this is Allie Young." Finding no need to further introduce myself due to of the 4 messages I left, "How are you today?"

P: "Fine."

... silence...

A: ".... good. I was hoping you could tell me more about what happened when "Christian" was taken from our home since our social worker couldn't."

P: "Didn't you take the PRIDE Classes?"

A: "Yes."

P: "Then I don't know why we're having this conversation."

... ooooh! That was a rhetorical question. PRIDE classes are required in order to get a foster parenting licence. This woman must be from Georgia because she is a peach!

A: "I was hoping you could tell me whether C was reunified with family - and I'm not asking specifics on who: Grandma, Distant Uncle, Family Friend.... - or if he was passed onto another foster family like us?"

P: "I can't tell you that."

Ignoring her answer...

A: "... because if he was reunified with family, that's closure for us! We fully expected him to go back to family and if he was taken at a seconds notice due to reunification, I get that! But if not, and he was moved to another Foster Family, I can't help but think we did something wrong..."

P: "Well, there were a few things that raised some red flags."

A: "Okay! Please tell me what we did wrong. This was our first placement and if we did something we shouldn't have, please tell me!"

P: "Well, you had a vacation planned and didn't tell us until after you got him. It's not that we don't ever want you to go on vacation, but you need to tell us these things if you know before placement. Second, we didn't know that you had a nanny. You are supposed to have her fingerprinted and you didn't. Third, you changed his name and you should never change a child's name unless you adopt them."

Alright, dialogue is over... before I tell you what I said, I was very cordial with her. My tone was calm and polite. I extended grace best I could, and in the end, I thanked her for taking the time to explain this to me. Had we not had this conversation, we would have repeated everything with the next placement because we flat out did not know! Thank goodness I called 50 times!

I told her that she was mistaken that we "did not tell anyone about our vacation" when we got C. When Mark and I went to pick him up... before we signed papers, before we met him... we said to the emergency social worker and her supervisor, "Just so you know, we are going on vacation to Disney World in 3 weeks. We'll be gone for a week. We'd like to take him with us if we can... either way, if this is going to be a problem, let us know." They're response? "Oh no, that shouldn't be a problem. We'll have to find out who to talk to about seeing if he can go too."

Not only did we give fair warning before officially signing and meeting the little guy, but every week we had him, I called to ask what the progress was on taking C with us on vacation.

I truly don't know how this was even an issue. I know I shouldn't assume, but if I were to guess, I'd say that the crossover in communication between our actual social worker (long term) and our emergency social workers (the ones you get immediately upon placement for the first week or two) is almost non-existent. So how would our actual social worker know we had given "fair warning" about the trip? 

When I explained this, Pam said, "Well, you were given the option to take him and you decided not to."

To that I said, "True! That's absolutely correct. However, we took him to the Sacramento Zoo the week before our planned vacation and it was a nightmare. The 30 minute car ride from our house to the zoo, he cried himself to sleep because he couldn't handle being restrained in a carseat for that long. Imagine a plane ride from California to Florida. Then, once we got to the zoo, he was overstimulated. So overstimulated that he started to flail his body with no self-preservation... meaning, he would fling his body on the concrete ground. This was the Sacramento Zoo, not Disney World. We prayed really hard about this and didn't make the decision easily, but we decided it would be safer for him and best for everyone if we put him in respite while we were gone." She actually ended up agreeing with our decision... not that it mattered now. Because really, the last thing that poor boy needed was to jump off a boat ride or spend the week in the WDW Urgent Care.

---> Had we known that "IF you go on vacation and not take him THEN we will take him forever"... we would have canceled in a heart beat. However, we weren't given that warning.

Also, for the record (and I told them this!) we bought, wrapped, and packed him a present to open each day we were gone with a picture of us attached that read, "We love you, Christian. Mommy, Daddy, and Ethan will be back soon!" along with a family flip book of us so he wouldn't forget and could be reminded that we will come back! When he was picked up and taken away, our social worker encouraged us to still give him the gifts and family flip book saying it would be good for Christian and not traumatize him further. I can't help but think this probably worked against us as the social worker probably used it as proof that we called him Christian. In which case, our hearts would totally be overlooked and replaced by the final strike against us.

Second, about the nanny. We don't have a nanny... at least that's not what I'd call her. Cari is our babysitter/mommy's helper who comes once a week to watch Ethan or help around the house. Half the time I'm home just doing household chores that need to get done but couldn't do if I didn't have help. Sometimes I'm gone all day with appointments, sometimes I'm home all day. Most days, it's a toss up. When someone says Nanny, I think of in-home day care while I work full-time. That's not the case.

When taking the PRIDE classes, we learned of the "Prudent Parent Rule" which means that unless you are gone for 24 hours, if it's good enough for your kids, it's good enough for foster kids. 

Ethan and Christian were inseparable. Everywhere E went, C went. We did not "throw C to the wolves" so to speak. We are very picky about who we let watch our kids. And this is where we got in trouble in the first place.

When we learned it would be best to put C in respite for our trip, I wasn't okay with leaving him with just any foster family. For better or worse we loved him like our own. If Mark and I were going out of town and leaving Ethan, I would leave E with a Grandma. That wasn't an option for C because they are not foster certified. So, I tried to see if a friend at church could take him for the week who is licensed. She was happy to do so, but since she is licensed in Sacramento County, I found out this wasn't possible. I don't know of anyone in El Dorado County (other than us) who are licensed. Cari, however, has a church body with several families who are licensed. Cari lives in El Dorado County! 

Cari, who is also super picky about her children, said she would trust a couple of these foster certified families with her own kids... that was good enough to start inquiring for me!

So, I called these families and ran across one family who sounded absolutely perfect! They lived in Camino, had multiple children of their own (a good distraction for C!), a Christian family, the mother was very disciplined in her scheduling (consistency and boundaries were what C needed) as she home schooled her kids, and you could just tell her heart was in the right place. 

I asked our social worker if C could stay with her/that family. I explained to her that she came highly recommended by our babysitter and we would love to meet with them before we drop him off for the week, so please let us know if it's okay. 

Back to dialogue:

Social Worker: "Oh, you have a Nanny? Do they know this here at the county?"

Thinking this was off topic, but I answered the question any way...

A: "We don't have a Nanny. Cari is more of a mommy's helper/babysitter. I stay at home full-time but she comes once a week to help with the kids or with things around the house. Why? Is that a problem?"

SW: "Oh no. I just need to forward this information along."

I can't remember if this was the same day or next, but our social worker called us back and asked me a handful of questions and a reoccurring theme was about "our nanny".

SW: "I'm sorry if this sounds like an interrogation..."

A: "That's okay. But yeah, it kinda does. Are we doing something wrong? Is there a problem?"

SW: "Oh no. I just need to forward this information on."

Again... she was lying to us. 

Apparently, the Prudent Parent Rule works only if it's every now and then and not on a regular basis. However, if we took him to a church or a gym's kid club/day care routinely, we wouldn't need to have any background checks. But having someone come in your house weekly, call her whatever you want - nanny, mother's helper, etc. - she needs a background check. 

For the record. I went through our PRIDE book (thickness similar to a text book) and did not see ONE PAGE where it says this. There was mention that they hope you take time away, hire a babysitter, for time to yourself. There was no mention about finger printing. I was assured that it was discussed... and that we should have known this. 

Again, had anyone told us (possibly our own social worker who we asked numerous times if anything we were doing was wrong...) that, IF you don't get your babysitter fingerprinted, THEN we will take him away forever.... we would have sent Cari to get fingerprinted the second we knew and paused her visits until she was cleared.

The third strike was in regards to calling him Christian. I can totally see how this was not appreciated and why they don't allow it. The IF, THEN statement applies here too. We would have immediately stopped calling him anything but his given name had we known the consequences... we just weren't given the warning.

Not that it matters anymore, but in case you are wondering why we switched his name (not legally, but why we called him Christian)... these are the reasons:

1. The only dog Mark and I ever had together, was named his given name.
2. Although there is no way of knowing for sure, it sounded like C was not going to be reunified with family. Our social worker DID tell us that in her experience, it "wasn't looking good" for C. 
3. We treated him like our own son. And if that's the case, if we were to have another son, we'd name him Christian.
4. He was 2.5 years old, but like I mentioned before, emotionally 1.5 years old. Adoption at best can be completed in 18 months through the system... if we were going to adopt him (which it was looking promising... I still think he will need to be adopted...) we thought it best to start calling him by his new name (one better suited than our old dog's name) sooner than later. Better to start at 2.5 (or more like 1.5) than at 4 years old.
5. It was a good alias for him in keeping his privacy and we thought, a good start to a new beginning.

Obviously, we were wrong!

Recently I was called into the County Office for an interview about what happened. I was thrilled to be asked our side of the story and to have my words put down on paper! I was starting to wonder about it all... starting to think, "If I didn't call, we wouldn't even know what we did was wrong! We would never be helpful to anyone!"

*************

We will forever pray for Christian. Praying that he is with a family who loves him like their own flesh and blood. Praying he is safe, healthy, at peace, feeling loved and comforted... he will forever be lifted in our hearts and prayers.

We are also really praying about what we should do next. I keep reliving James 1:27 over and over in my head (or motivation for fostering/adopting) and the part that sticks out to me is... "Religion that God our Father finds pure and faultless is this, to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." It sticks out to me because even though our actions are what made them move him/traumatize him, it was the system - or part of the world - that knowingly decided to traumatize him again knowing what they knew. Once again, C was beat up by the world and his heart was once again polluted with injustice. He got the shortest end of the stick! And while I feel like we weren't treated respectfully as foster parents, accused wrongfully, lied to, etc, none of that matters because Christian lost again. And we were in it for him.

We're having a hard time with the secrecy of it all. We don't need to know all the details of his family history, names of his relatives, or where anybody lives... but please, please, tell us if we are doing something wrong so we can at least make a choice to correct it and give the child a fighting chance to continue to learn how to attach and bond and have a chance at healing and recovery. Or at the very least, if we are looking for guidance and answers to truth, please tell us right from wrong. Secrecy and darkness go hand in hand.

Such a dark world we live in!

So... to keep oneself from being polluted by the world... does that mean we press on through the darkness? Foster again and potentially continue to be part of it? Because really... we had a role in his trauma! We never thought once that we would contribute to anything but loving on foster kids... we're not sure we could do that again. We're not positive we're called to it again. Especially the way the system forces you to play along.

Sometimes I think, "What good did that do?" They were quietly tallying all the wrongs we did but they never once looked into our hearts and what we were giving to this boy. If they did, they wouldn't find anything but love and protection for Christian. Even if they asked us today if we wanted him back, we would say no (so long as he was with a loving, safe family). Just like the story in the Bible about the "two mothers" who claimed to have the same baby... King Solomon, in his wisdom, said that to make it fair, they should just split the baby in half so each mother could have half. One mom agreed it was fair while the other would rather give her baby away fully to a stranger so long as he wasn't harmed. By that response, the true identity of the mother was revealed (1 Kings 3:16-28).

In a similar way, I know that the more C is moved/traumatized, the more it rips him apart. I want him to be whole, healthy, and healed. But hey, at least those women were given a trial!... and their judge was just.

Like a Bandaid

... and today marked the end of our first placement. Sweet Christian James was with us for 17 days... and he left as quickly as he came (written on Friday, February 22nd).

We knew this could happen and we were open to him staying forever or going back if there was reunification... but we weren't prepared for how he would go.

I want to start off by saying that God has been present every step of the way in Christian's placement with us. Christian was not only safe and healthy here but he was also filled with joy and encouragement as well. When he was sad... we held him, comforted him, and put much needed boundaries in his life. When he was happy... we laughed with him, chased and tickled him, and just flat out loved on him.

I don't have any regrets about our time together and I'm thankful that God trusted us with him even if it was only for a few weeks. This boy came from a dark world and I know God used each one of us to shine some light into his life. I praise God for that!

We did love him like our own son and while we grieve in our loss, my heart bleeds for him. Our world is still the same... it's the 3 of us and life keeps going... but for Christian? We don't know.

Here is a quick re-telling of how it all happened:

I was running errands for Ethan's birthday party (the next day) when I got the phone call. The boys were with a sitter. The phone call went something like this:

Social Worker: "Allie, I'm so sorry we have to meet like this...." (we had never met before) ..."I am leaving right now to pick up Christian."

Allie: "Oh, okay. Is he leaving forever or...?"

SW: "Yes."

A: "Oh, okay... can you tell me why?"

SW: "I'll explain when we get there. I'll be at your house in 15-20 minutes."

I quickly called our sitter - who had taken the boys to a farm to visit the animals - and told her to bring the boys home as soon as possible.

I drove home, headed upstairs, and started packing all the clothes, shoes, toys, etc. we had bought for him. Christian came to our house with literally one pair of shoes, socks, one long sleeved shirt (with holes in it), and a pair of jeans. He left with a bag full of warm clothes, 3 pairs of shoes, and his own back pack.

When our sitter came home, both boys were fast asleep in the car. The social worker and social worker aid (who was present when we picked up C) drove up and we loaded the car. I asked if we could talk while Christian was sleeping... knowing once he woke we wouldn't get 2 words in...

The social worker and I sat in our living room and the conversation went something like this:

A: "So, tell me... what happened?"

SW: "I'm really sorry, but I can't tell you anything."

A: ".... what?"

SW: "I'm not allowed to share any details."

A: "I don't need to know details... can you tell me if he was reunified with his Mom or Dad? Another family member or another foster family?"

SW: "I'm sorry. But I can tell you he was not reunified with his biological Mom or Dad."

And that was it.

A few minutes later, they asked me if I wanted to transfer him... so I did. Christian is usually cranky when he wakes up, but this time he was calm. He nuzzled his head into the space between my neck and shoulder. When I put him into the car seat of the social worker's car, he was still pretty calm, until I started telling him, "Okay sweet boy. You are going to go with these nice ladies for a car ride to another home."

This is when he started to sob. Tears running down his face uncontrollably as he cried, "Nooo! Mommy!!!" I had to look away to stop myself from sobbing too. By the strength of the Holy Spirit, I stayed strong as I looked into his eyes and said, "I know sweet baby. We love you so much. We will be praying for you. You're going to go to a new house. We love you."

The social worker aid asked Christian, "Do you want some of these?" Holding out a clementine. "I remember you liked these..."

If you can remember, C was totally motivated by food... and would do anything for food.

But to that, he swatted the clementine out of her hand and continued to cry for me.

Then they drove off. And I wept.

I wept because of how he was treated.
I wept because he was being traumatized.
I wept because it wasn't right. Not that his leaving wasn't right (maybe it was, maybe it wasn't... we don't know!)... but the way they went about removing him was wrong. They seemed more concerned about a schedule or protocol than they did about the child. I felt like the only adult with a heart at the scene and I just question who they are "protecting" or fighting for here.

He left quicker than he came. And while I knew he could come and go... I never anticipated that he would be ripped so quickly and with no more than 15 minute's notice.

The whole process was that similar to a kidnapping. The only thing missing was a paper bag over C's head.

Here is where the prayer requests come in:

1) Pray that where ever C is, that he is safe, warm, healthy, and loved. Pray for the best possible placement for this sweet boy. He is far more precious than this world is treating him.

2) Pray that C has peace in his heart. What happened to him was another traumatic experience and he didn't understand what was going on (... and he wasn't alone! I didn't know what to tell him... I had no information!)

3) Pray for direction in our journey. We are very discouraged by the way everything ended. While we have no regrets about our role, we don't agree with what happened. And I feel even worse about being part of his traumatic exit. I'm sure he was thinking, "Why is she giving me away?"

My purpose is not to grumble or speak badly about the system... but unfortunately we are left with more questions than answers. And unfortunately, that just might be the cycle of the system.

One answer we know for sure is that for just under 3 weeks, this little boy was fully loved in a tangible, physical, and familial environment. God used us and in return, we know a bit more about God's heart as we share in His pain for this child. My heart couldn't break more for him.

We will continue to pray for Christian. A faith walk this truly is and has been! He has at least 3 prayer warriors in his life... and maybe that was the plan? To be in our lives long enough to love him and leave footprints in our heart and to serve as his family for a short season in his life when nobody else wanted him.

As for Christian - who was our main concern and focus in this blog, this mission, this journey - I hope and pray the very best for him. Clearly it wasn't the plan for him to stay... and I'm at peace with that.

I am, however, not at peace with the secrecy and unnecessary ripping, tearing and... scarring. We can't help the situation these kids come from, but we can help how we treat them once we have them.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" - Jeremiah 29:11

Week 2 of Our Faith Walk

Valentine's Day Week marked Week 2 with Christian.

We are learning more and more about him first hand... but unfortunately, without any new information from CPS. C's social worker has been out with the flu all week... we're hoping for more news during Week 3.

Some things we're learning are:

1) He is extremely attached to me. Sometimes when I leave the room he cries, and once when I had Mark watch the kids for 20 minutes while I ran upstairs to work on Valentine's Day gifts,  Christian cried himself to sleep at the bottom of the stairs not allowing anyone to comfort him.

2) He loves being tickled, chased, and playing peek-a-boo. He has an impressive dinosaur "Roarrrr!" and loves singing "Zise-a-me! Zise-a-me!" which is his version of "A pirates life for me!" (kindly modeled by Ethan)

3) He is quick to pick up athletics... not sure how much exposure he's had to scooters and tricycles, but he picked up on them quickly and is quite natural at it.

4) He LOVES food and is motivated by it. I know this is diagnostic of several things... we're working to establish healthy eating habits.

5) He has many words but doesn't use them to describe his needs... also something we are working on. He gets very frustrated when his whining and pointing won't suffice. 

6) He loves wrestling with Daddy and Ethan. Mark says he can tell someone has taught him how to wrestle... must be a guy instinct?

7) Going to sleep is possibly the biggest struggle. He cries and says "No!" Sometimes flailing his body. 

Each night we rock him for a few minutes, then he asks to get into bed. This is where the protest begins... eventually we are able to rub his back and sing him to sleep. 

Every night that I've put him to bed, I sing him a number of songs but he falls asleep to the serenade of Amazing Grace... he must like that one best :)

8) He says, "Thank You" like a southern boy... emphasis on the /a/ ;)

9) He's not a fan of long car rides

10) He has only meet my parents and Mark's parents once yet points them out in the hallway photos as "Grandma" and "Papa"

***

I had lots of fun doing Valentines Crafts with the boys and making them a heart shaped pizza for dinner...

Here are their masterpieces

Riding in the pink car at Whole Foods.

This is a rare opportunity as there are only 2 double cars in the whole store.

So, naturally I followed a family to their car while they unpacked their groceries... tried my best to convince them that I wasn't creepy but absolutely desperate for that cart!

(They were very gracious)

Shameless. It's a new role I play :)

Our first day trip to the Sacramento Zoo!

It was loads of fun but a bit over stimulating for Christian.

Again, not knowledgeable about his exposure to groups/crowds of people... we could tell some parts of the trip were a bit much. 

There were moments of flailing... once to the extent that he bonked his head on the concrete floor. 

But all in all, it was a wonderful day for our entire family.

Lots of running, giggles, and meeting "wild animals" for the first time (a good guess).

Our sweet friends, the Jarvis Family, asked us to join them for the day.

They fully blessed us from a Venti-Iced Caramel Macchiato (much appreciated by yours truly!), driving us to the zoo, packing all the kids a lunch, and getting us in with their VIP family pass (skipped the large line!).

God has always been faithful in providing Mark and me with friends throughout our marriage who shine bright lights into our lives. Their presence in our lives reminds us that we are not in this journey alone. 

Thank you, Jesus :)

***

The boys at their Drive-in Movie :)

Ethan has grown up a lot in the past 2 weeks.

He says things like,

"Are you tired, sweet boy?"

"It's okay, buddy."

and my personal favorite is, "Child!" in reference to Christian as he runs away or does something he shouldn't. 

Out of the mouths of babes ;)

Although we take turns, I primarily have put Christian to bed while Mark puts Ethan to bed. 

(Ethan has decided to sleep in our bedroom on the floor lately)

Anyway, Mark has enjoyed reading several Bible stories to Ethan at bedtime... it's become their special time alone.

One day, Christian will be ready to sit through books and stories... but for now, Ethan is at the beginning of this fun stage :)

His Bible has replaced his stuffed animals in this picture

As for me, I'm diving straight into scripture and adoption books.

Thriving as an Adoptive Family is recommended by Focus on the Family. 

So far it's been super helpful! I'm open to recommendations too!! 

James (hence Christian's middle name) has been the primary book God has used in His calling me to adoption. I have a long ways to go, but I have memorized Chapter 1. 

On a particular day when I was thirsty for answers, I prayed that God would speak to my heart in reading James 1. There is a difference in reciting memorized paragraphs and reading scripture with a fresh pair of eyes and an open heart. 

I didn't have a burning bush moment, but absolutely a confirmation that what we are doing is right. 

It's what He asks of us... to love Christian as our own son despite the uncertainty of his future.

This is a faith walk if I've ever walked one. 

We have more questions than answers, but God did answer one question for me that day:

God loves this little boy... no more or less than our son, Ethan... so we will too.

If he is adoptable, then we will adopt him.

If he isn't, then we will have been blessed to be used to love on him during this season.

Either way you slice it, it's good.

And there again, is God... very present in this journey.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us life through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created."

(James 1:17-18).

Christian James

*In order to protect Christian's identity, we put smiley faces over his photos. I truly WISH you could see his sweet, sweet face! He smiled SO much when he was here*

***Update on 4/25/13... no more pictures can be displayed, even if his face was covered by smiley faces. Read Blog titled, "Calloused Hearts Cannot Read Pure Intentions" for reasons why.

Well, it happened! We got our first placement on Tuesday night, February 5, 2013.  My mom was visiting for the day when I got the phone call. The social worker asked if we would be interested in taking in a 2.5 year old boy who was abandoned by his father. I asked if he was adoptable since he was abandoned and she said they didn't know. So, I told her I'd call her right back. Called Mark at work... he didn't hesitate to say "yes"... and that was the beginning of blessing #2.

*Pause* Take note of the divine orchestration here. My mom "just so happened" to be visiting for the day so Mark and I could have a date night. Instead, God provided the best support for us to watch Ethan as we left to pick-up an "unwanted" child. God providing and saving lives... as usual!

Mark came home from work, the 4 of us said a prayer, then Mark and I left and quickly ran to Target to get the little guy a stuffed animal before heading over to meet him for the first time. We introduced ourselves (as Mark and Allie), signed the paperwork, and headed to the ER - standard procedure to visit the doctor before placement, but it was after hours (driving through McDonalds first for dinner... because what kid wouldn't like a Happy Meal? Also because no kid deserved a Happy Meal more than him!). It was there in the ER that he started calling us Mommy and Daddy. We hadn't been together more than an hour.

He had a bruise on his right ear. There is no way to verify how it got there, but it looked as though someone had pulled him by the ear. Other than that, he was clear and released from the hospital.

When we got home, Ethan was waiting to meet his new buddy. My mom did an excellent job of prepping Ethan... not knowing what to expect, she told him that he's probably scared and sad... and Ethan was very sweet in meeting him. But... Ethan is Ethan, and God used our little boy to instantly bring joy to the newest Super Sweet Hero in the house. How? Well, pictures speak volumes... so without further ado, here he is...

His name is Christian (alias for now... potentially his forever name!).

Please just look at that face! And he really is sweet as can be! 

Looking at his face and knowing he was abandoned reminds me of how broken our world is.
{Again, sorry you can't see his face!}

And then there were... twins!

Well, almost. 

7 months apart...

We "just so happened" to have another pair of Superman Jammies the next size up...

(Christian is 7 months younger but one clothing size and shoe size bigger!)

Here's a picture of them seeing their matching jammies in the mirror for the first time.

The super power of boys being boys = "smooth"/natural transition for everyone

So, the first night went better than I could have imagined. We had been praying for a foster child who would blend well with our family and God answered that prayer. I truly can't think of a better placement... and yes, he sleeps through the night every night. Praising God!

Catching a ride...

Daddy time!

 Both Grandmas and Grandpas came to meet Christian...

Here's a few snapshots with Grandpa Wager

Silly Boys

As smooth a transition as it's been, Ethan has had a hard time sharing everything of his with C. Going from only child to twins is a hard/forced lesson in sharing 24/7.

 It's also been hard for him to see Christian get all new clothes (the one thing they can't really share... yet!)... 

So... this is where the matching outfits come in. 

Having the same is just easier. 

Ethan has asked us, "Where are his Mommy and Daddy?"

To that we answered, "We are his Mommy and Daddy for now. We can share."

A playful banter between the two was this, "That's MY Mommy!"

"No, that's MY Mommy!"

"No... that's MY Mommy!"

We told them, "Boys, you say, 'That's OUR Mommy!"

That, and I've been practicing with the boys and having them repeat, "What's mine is yours" along with asking the question, "Who owns everything?"

To that, Ethan quickly answered, "Me."

"Nooo. God owns everything. And He shares everything with us so we can share with others."

Although, I gotta admit, I cracked a smile when he answered, "Me" as I'm sure he was answering honestly.

Now when the playful banter takes place, I hear the following...

C: "That's MY Daddy!"

E: "That's MY Daddy!"

*Both smiling and encouraged by the participation of the game*

C: "No! That's MY Daddy!"

E: "NO! That's MYY Daddy!"

C: "My Daddy!!!"

E: "No! You don't say 'That's MY Daddy'... you say 'That's OURRRR Daddy."

*Heart Smiles*

More Super Hero Fun:

Batman muscles

And C was Robot Boy

Crazy cucumbers found Daddy's shirts

As you can see, Christian fits in just beautifully! If I were to guess why God placed us with him, my guess would be because of Ethan. These two are buddies. They laugh, play, and quarrel like brothers. Ethan has been a healthy distraction for Christian and Christian is a God sent friend for Ethan.

If I could ask 2 things from you who are following this blog, they would be:

1) Please pray for us! Here are our requests:

• God's peace and perfect love to penetrate Christian's heart. (John 14:27)
• Trust and bonding between C and each member of our family.
• Wisdom and discernment in shepherding these 2 boys given the circumstances they were both thrown into. 
• For God's will in this placement. We don't know much information or the likelihood that C will stay with us forever.
• That Mark and I would fearlessly pour out our hearts and continue to love on this boy, treating him as our own even though we have no promises of permanency. (John 4:18)

2) Please don't praise us if you too celebrate with us in this placement. Praise God, for it is His doing. He is love.

We are broken vessels doing our best to love with His strength.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will." 

- Ephesians 1:3-5

And We Wait... How Bout a Little FAQ?

Tuesday marked a very special day in our adoption journey. We were officially put on the list. The social worker call list that is. We are super excited and have no idea what to expect!

One of the ladies at our church said she got a call within 20 minutes... ended up adopting a baby and says she gets calls every other day for a newborn. Yikes!

Others we have spoken to said they waited weeks to months...

Regardless, I know that God's timing is perfect and He has a purpose in our future placement.

While we wait, I wanted to do a FAQ.

Seems a bit silly, but I know people want to know answers to these questions.
I know because many have asked (and asked the same ones...)!

And no, we aren't offended by the questions... well, maybe a few... but I'll get to those later ;)

1) "What happens if you get a child, fall in love with a child, and have to give the child back (reunification)?" ---> This happens in the foster system.

We are not adopting to complete our family but to love on an orphan. We would love to welcome a child into our home as our own permanently, but if that doesn't happen, we get to love on the baby as our own for a season... and that's okay! The alternative would have been worse for that child and we will be blessed to have a piece of their journey.

This doesn't mean we won't grieve the loss... especially if the child goes back to a bad situation... but a parent's heart never stops loving. Persistent prayer will continue for the baby if s/he leaves our home.

Our focus in adoption is on the child, not on us gaining a child. Our journey is different than that of a couple who are not able to conceive...

Obviously since we are looking to adopt, permanency is the hope, but loving the child is the goal... however that comes.

2) "I've had experience with foster kids in my classroom... they are hard to work with and have issues. Make sure you don't get a drug baby."

Ooooh the studies I've read in grad school and the kids I have worked with first hand in the classroom... Boston Public, San Francisco Public... those drug babies are kids with issues. They are victims of their biological parent's substance abuse. It's a shame that these little ones have to brave through life with additional struggles (as if life isn't hard enough!)... but wait, there's more! They will one day have to sort through the emotions of abandonment or at the very least live knowing that their biological mom and dad were not well enough to keep them because they couldn't or wouldn't break their own chains of addiction or destructive issues...

Issues? Yes. But whose fault is it? Certainly not theirs.

Think about it... if you made it into the world without any kind of substance addiction or abuse...  you're lucky. Also... before you puff out your chest too far... you had nothing to do with it. Same as being born in this country, etc. As much as I love the idea of the American Dream ('cause really, everybody loves the story of Chris Gardner in the "Pursuit of Happyness"...), you can't always make a better life for yourself...

Example A: Infants and Children.

One little girl may be conceived in love by a married couple excitedly anticipating the day they get to meet their precious baby... another little girl may be conceived after the mother was sold by her parents and forced into sex slavery...

So what? Do we shake our heads and say, "It's too bad about those kids" and go about our business?
Most do. And yet we are inspired by quotes like this one from Gandhi,

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

It's a good one! I'm inspired too! Here's another:

James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father finds pure and faultless is this: To look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

This is our answer. Even if you don't love and follow Jesus, I hope you can see that what we are trying to do is pure and faultless... for both the baby (imperfect as he/she may be) and our family. In regards to Ethan, we want to teach by example. Love your neighbor as yourself... these are kids in our own county. We would do no different for our own.

Does this mean we are pure and faultless. Heeeeeeeeeeeeck no. Anything good that you see in us is credited to our Father in Heaven (James 1:17).
His Grace brings us to our knees. His strength moves our feet...

{To put it out there: Mark and I have requested that we be called for kids without special needs. Lord knows I struggle with Ethan's asthma... it would be by His strength alone that I be able to handle much more than that... that said, who knows what God will give us biologically and through adoption!

Also, if Ethan turns out to have ADHD or lack empathy toward others - as shown in kids who have fetal alcohol syndrome, we're still keepin' him! Are your eyes big yet?}

3) "How can you love another child like you love Ethan? What will you do if that child does something to offend Ethan... beats him up or continually offends him?"

First of all, if Ethan can't stand up to a kid 2 years+ younger than him, the fault is on E.

Just sayin'. 

That boy will have some one-on-one training with his father and if need be, with Officer Jarvis (former UCDavis Wrestling Coach)...

Second. We will treat the problem the same as if a biological sibling were offending Ethan.

And yes, there have been times when I've wanted to even give Ethan up for adoption... or as my mom used to say, "throw your kids out the window"... but you don't and we won't.

When people ask this question I can't help but think that they can't possibly imagine loving another child like their own. I get that. It's just not that way for us.

My brother, Ryan, was adopted. He could have come out of a cow's behind and I would know and love no different. That man is my brother. End of story. (Also, fully human... in case there was any question).

4) "Look at Ethan. He's so precious and perfect. Why would you want to ruin that/Why would you want to ruin your family?" (And yes... someone actually asked me this...)

Referring back to the answer in question 1:
We are not adopting to complete our family but to love on an orphan.

The above question is covered in judgement... on my family and our future family/baby.
There is only one judge I care about and guess what... it's not you.
This judge I do care about, God, also says that Mercy triumphs over judgement.
The definition of mercy is this, "forgiveness, kindness, price paid..."

So we're going to try just that. Mercy toward this baby, who most likely inherited generations of bad choices and were victims of our broken world. A cycle that keeps going and multiplying...

Where is God in this you may ask? Here.
No... we are not God... far from perfection... but we are the body of Christ.

This quote says it well:

“Sometimes I would like to ask God why He allows poverty, suffering, and injustice when He could do something about it.”

“Well, why don’t you ask Him?”

“Because I’m afraid He would ask me the same question.”

(Anonymous) -a quote from A Hole in the Gospel, by Richard Stearn, President of World Vision.

5) "What age? Gender? Race?..."

Infant. Boy or Girl. Any race.

And please.... please... check out this video below about "What People Say to Transracial Families"

It's awesome. Love this girl and her blog, Rage Against the Minivan.

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/10/people-say-to-transracial-families.html?fb_action_ids=10152203806450543&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=246965925417366


6) "Are you going to have more biological kids?"

We hope so!

7) "I'm worried you're going to get overwhelmed/ you can't handle it... who do you think is going to help you... your husband isn't perfect."<--- the offensive question

• I will get overwhelmed. I already do with Ethan. So stop worrying if it's going to happen because it already does. It's inevitable. I'm not perfect and I don't think this means that I shouldn't have more kids... also, that's not for you to decide.
• Anyone who loves my kids. Both of them... if you don't and choose to discriminate against either  one of them... God bless you, wish you the best, but our relationship is over. 
• True. Mark's not perfect. Neither am I. Questions?

To be completely honest, I'm not sure why the last part about Mark was thrown in here... but it was! After that conversation, however, I realized that the person who was asking me all of those things was not encouraging our family (clearly), thought very little of me and my abilities to provide as a Mommy, and was letting me know that the overall message was, "You're not good enough."

It's funny, but that is exactly the opposite message of that which God tells me. I hear my heavenly Father say, "Adopt. Go this way. I'm with you. I will provide everything you need. You are more than good enough." So, I choose to listen to the truth.

I'm going to end with the lyrics of a song called "All of Me" by Matthew Hammitt.

If I was poetic at all or could put my heart into words, this is what it would say to all our kids... but especially our adopted kids:

Afraid to love, something that could break, 

Could I move on, if you were torn away?

I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart, and pray it makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing every fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

Trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me, 

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

It's where I'll start