Tuesday marked a very special day in our adoption journey. We were officially put on the list. The social worker call list that is. We are super excited and have no idea what to expect!
One of the ladies at our church said she got a call within 20 minutes... ended up adopting a baby and says she gets calls every other day for a newborn. Yikes!
Others we have spoken to said they waited weeks to months...
Regardless, I know that God's timing is perfect and He has a purpose in our future placement.
While we wait, I wanted to do a FAQ.
Seems a bit silly, but I know people want to know answers to these questions.
I know because many have asked (and asked the same ones...)!
And no, we aren't offended by the questions... well, maybe a few... but I'll get to those later ;)
1) "What happens if you get a child, fall in love with a child, and have to give the child back (reunification)?" ---> This happens in the foster system.
We are not adopting to complete our family but to love on an orphan. We would love to welcome a child into our home as our own permanently, but if that doesn't happen, we get to love on the baby as our own for a season... and that's okay! The alternative would have been worse for that child and we will be blessed to have a piece of their journey.
This doesn't mean we won't grieve the loss... especially if the child goes back to a bad situation... but a parent's heart never stops loving. Persistent prayer will continue for the baby if s/he leaves our home.
Our focus in adoption is on the child, not on us gaining a child. Our journey is different than that of a couple who are not able to conceive...
Obviously since we are looking to adopt, permanency is the hope, but loving the child is the goal... however that comes.
2) "I've had experience with foster kids in my classroom... they are hard to work with and have issues. Make sure you don't get a drug baby."
Ooooh the studies I've read in grad school and the kids I have worked with first hand in the classroom... Boston Public, San Francisco Public... those drug babies are kids with issues. They are victims of their biological parent's substance abuse. It's a shame that these little ones have to brave through life with additional struggles (as if life isn't hard enough!)... but wait, there's more! They will one day have to sort through the emotions of abandonment or at the very least live knowing that their biological mom and dad were not well enough to keep them because they couldn't or wouldn't break their own chains of addiction or destructive issues...
Issues? Yes. But whose fault is it? Certainly not theirs.
Think about it... if you made it into the world without any kind of substance addiction or abuse... you're lucky. Also... before you puff out your chest too far... you had nothing to do with it. Same as being born in this country, etc. As much as I love the idea of the American Dream ('cause really, everybody loves the story of Chris Gardner in the "Pursuit of Happyness"...), you can't always make a better life for yourself...
Example A: Infants and Children.
One little girl may be conceived in love by a married couple excitedly anticipating the day they get to meet their precious baby... another little girl may be conceived after the mother was sold by her parents and forced into sex slavery...
So what? Do we shake our heads and say, "It's too bad about those kids" and go about our business?
Most do. And yet we are inspired by quotes like this one from Gandhi,
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
It's a good one! I'm inspired too! Here's another:
James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father finds pure and faultless is this: To look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
This is our answer. Even if you don't love and follow Jesus, I hope you can see that what we are trying to do is pure and faultless... for both the baby (imperfect as he/she may be) and our family. In regards to Ethan, we want to teach by example. Love your neighbor as yourself... these are kids in our own county. We would do no different for our own.
Does this mean we are pure and faultless. Heeeeeeeeeeeeck no. Anything good that you see in us is credited to our Father in Heaven (James 1:17).
His Grace brings us to our knees. His strength moves our feet...
{To put it out there: Mark and I have requested that we be called for kids without special needs. Lord knows I struggle with Ethan's asthma... it would be by His strength alone that I be able to handle much more than that... that said, who knows what God will give us biologically and through adoption!
Also, if Ethan turns out to have ADHD or lack empathy toward others - as shown in kids who have fetal alcohol syndrome, we're still keepin' him! Are your eyes big yet?}
3) "How can you love another child like you love Ethan? What will you do if that child does something to offend Ethan... beats him up or continually offends him?"
First of all, if Ethan can't stand up to a kid 2 years+ younger than him, the fault is on E.
That boy will have some one-on-one training with his father and if need be, with Officer Jarvis (former UCDavis Wrestling Coach)...
Second. We will treat the problem the same as if a biological sibling were offending Ethan.
And yes, there have been times when I've wanted to even give Ethan up for adoption... or as my mom used to say, "throw your kids out the window"... but you don't and we won't.
When people ask this question I can't help but think that they can't possibly imagine loving another child like their own. I get that. It's just not that way for us.
My brother, Ryan, was adopted. He could have come out of a cow's behind and I would know and love no different. That man is my brother. End of story. (Also, fully human... in case there was any question).
4) "Look at Ethan. He's so precious and perfect. Why would you want to ruin that/Why would you want to ruin your family?" (And yes... someone actually asked me this...)
Referring back to the answer in question 1:
We are not adopting to complete our family but to love on an orphan.
The above question is covered in judgement... on my family and our future family/baby.
There is only one judge I care about and guess what... it's not you.
This judge I do care about, God, also says that Mercy triumphs over judgement.
The definition of mercy is this, "forgiveness, kindness, price paid..."
So we're going to try just that. Mercy toward this baby, who most likely inherited generations of bad choices and were victims of our broken world. A cycle that keeps going and multiplying...
Where is God in this you may ask? Here.
No... we are not God... far from perfection... but we are the body of Christ.
This quote says it well:
5) "What age? Gender? Race?..."
Infant. Boy or Girl. Any race.
And please.... please... check out this video below about "What People Say to Transracial Families"
It's awesome. Love this girl and her blog, Rage Against the Minivan.
http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/10/people-say-to-transracial-families.html?fb_action_ids=10152203806450543&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=246965925417366
6) "Are you going to have more biological kids?"
We hope so!
7) "I'm worried you're going to get overwhelmed/ you can't handle it... who do you think is going to help you... your husband isn't perfect."<--- the offensive question
One of the ladies at our church said she got a call within 20 minutes... ended up adopting a baby and says she gets calls every other day for a newborn. Yikes!
Others we have spoken to said they waited weeks to months...
Regardless, I know that God's timing is perfect and He has a purpose in our future placement.
While we wait, I wanted to do a FAQ.
Seems a bit silly, but I know people want to know answers to these questions.
I know because many have asked (and asked the same ones...)!
And no, we aren't offended by the questions... well, maybe a few... but I'll get to those later ;)
1) "What happens if you get a child, fall in love with a child, and have to give the child back (reunification)?" ---> This happens in the foster system.
We are not adopting to complete our family but to love on an orphan. We would love to welcome a child into our home as our own permanently, but if that doesn't happen, we get to love on the baby as our own for a season... and that's okay! The alternative would have been worse for that child and we will be blessed to have a piece of their journey.
This doesn't mean we won't grieve the loss... especially if the child goes back to a bad situation... but a parent's heart never stops loving. Persistent prayer will continue for the baby if s/he leaves our home.
Our focus in adoption is on the child, not on us gaining a child. Our journey is different than that of a couple who are not able to conceive...
Obviously since we are looking to adopt, permanency is the hope, but loving the child is the goal... however that comes.
2) "I've had experience with foster kids in my classroom... they are hard to work with and have issues. Make sure you don't get a drug baby."
Ooooh the studies I've read in grad school and the kids I have worked with first hand in the classroom... Boston Public, San Francisco Public... those drug babies are kids with issues. They are victims of their biological parent's substance abuse. It's a shame that these little ones have to brave through life with additional struggles (as if life isn't hard enough!)... but wait, there's more! They will one day have to sort through the emotions of abandonment or at the very least live knowing that their biological mom and dad were not well enough to keep them because they couldn't or wouldn't break their own chains of addiction or destructive issues...
Issues? Yes. But whose fault is it? Certainly not theirs.
Think about it... if you made it into the world without any kind of substance addiction or abuse... you're lucky. Also... before you puff out your chest too far... you had nothing to do with it. Same as being born in this country, etc. As much as I love the idea of the American Dream ('cause really, everybody loves the story of Chris Gardner in the "Pursuit of Happyness"...), you can't always make a better life for yourself...
Example A: Infants and Children.
One little girl may be conceived in love by a married couple excitedly anticipating the day they get to meet their precious baby... another little girl may be conceived after the mother was sold by her parents and forced into sex slavery...
So what? Do we shake our heads and say, "It's too bad about those kids" and go about our business?
Most do. And yet we are inspired by quotes like this one from Gandhi,
"Be the change you wish to see in the world."
It's a good one! I'm inspired too! Here's another:
James 1:27 says, "Religion that God our Father finds pure and faultless is this: To look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
This is our answer. Even if you don't love and follow Jesus, I hope you can see that what we are trying to do is pure and faultless... for both the baby (imperfect as he/she may be) and our family. In regards to Ethan, we want to teach by example. Love your neighbor as yourself... these are kids in our own county. We would do no different for our own.
Does this mean we are pure and faultless. Heeeeeeeeeeeeck no. Anything good that you see in us is credited to our Father in Heaven (James 1:17).
His Grace brings us to our knees. His strength moves our feet...
{To put it out there: Mark and I have requested that we be called for kids without special needs. Lord knows I struggle with Ethan's asthma... it would be by His strength alone that I be able to handle much more than that... that said, who knows what God will give us biologically and through adoption!
Also, if Ethan turns out to have ADHD or lack empathy toward others - as shown in kids who have fetal alcohol syndrome, we're still keepin' him! Are your eyes big yet?}
3) "How can you love another child like you love Ethan? What will you do if that child does something to offend Ethan... beats him up or continually offends him?"
First of all, if Ethan can't stand up to a kid 2 years+ younger than him, the fault is on E.
Just sayin'.
Second. We will treat the problem the same as if a biological sibling were offending Ethan.
And yes, there have been times when I've wanted to even give Ethan up for adoption... or as my mom used to say, "throw your kids out the window"... but you don't and we won't.
When people ask this question I can't help but think that they can't possibly imagine loving another child like their own. I get that. It's just not that way for us.
My brother, Ryan, was adopted. He could have come out of a cow's behind and I would know and love no different. That man is my brother. End of story. (Also, fully human... in case there was any question).
4) "Look at Ethan. He's so precious and perfect. Why would you want to ruin that/Why would you want to ruin your family?" (And yes... someone actually asked me this...)
Referring back to the answer in question 1:
We are not adopting to complete our family but to love on an orphan.
The above question is covered in judgement... on my family and our future family/baby.
There is only one judge I care about and guess what... it's not you.
This judge I do care about, God, also says that Mercy triumphs over judgement.
The definition of mercy is this, "forgiveness, kindness, price paid..."
So we're going to try just that. Mercy toward this baby, who most likely inherited generations of bad choices and were victims of our broken world. A cycle that keeps going and multiplying...
Where is God in this you may ask? Here.
No... we are not God... far from perfection... but we are the body of Christ.
This quote says it well:
“Sometimes I would like to ask God why He allows poverty, suffering, and injustice when He could do something about it.”
“Well, why don’t you ask Him?”
“Because I’m afraid He would ask me the same question.”
(Anonymous) -a quote from A Hole in the Gospel, by Richard Stearn, President of World Vision.
5) "What age? Gender? Race?..."
Infant. Boy or Girl. Any race.
And please.... please... check out this video below about "What People Say to Transracial Families"
It's awesome. Love this girl and her blog, Rage Against the Minivan.
http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/10/people-say-to-transracial-families.html?fb_action_ids=10152203806450543&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=246965925417366
6) "Are you going to have more biological kids?"
We hope so!
7) "I'm worried you're going to get overwhelmed/ you can't handle it... who do you think is going to help you... your husband isn't perfect."<--- the offensive question
- I will get overwhelmed. I already do with Ethan. So stop worrying if it's going to happen because it already does. It's inevitable. I'm not perfect and I don't think this means that I shouldn't have more kids... also, that's not for you to decide.
- Anyone who loves my kids. Both of them... if you don't and choose to discriminate against either one of them... God bless you, wish you the best, but our relationship is over.
- True. Mark's not perfect. Neither am I. Questions?
To be completely honest, I'm not sure why the last part about Mark was thrown in here... but it was! After that conversation, however, I realized that the person who was asking me all of those things was not encouraging our family (clearly), thought very little of me and my abilities to provide as a Mommy, and was letting me know that the overall message was, "You're not good enough."
It's funny, but that is exactly the opposite message of that which God tells me. I hear my heavenly Father say, "Adopt. Go this way. I'm with you. I will provide everything you need. You are more than good enough." So, I choose to listen to the truth.
I'm going to end with the lyrics of a song called "All of Me" by Matthew Hammitt.
If I was poetic at all or could put my heart into words, this is what it would say to all our kids... but especially our adopted kids:
Afraid to love, something that could break,
Could I move on, if you were torn away?
I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart, and pray it makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing every fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
Trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you
You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.
Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start
You're gonna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start
It's where I'll start
Lovely post Allie. I'm excited to follow your journey, and I am so touched by your compassion and commitment to making the world better for children in need. I may not have the strength to follow your example in fostering/adopting a child, but I will follow your example to help others in need by making sacrifices in the best way I can.
ReplyDeleteYour heart is in the right place. This is thought out and faithfully put in God's hands. Coming from experience, foster parenting is AMAZING and I know you will be an amazing mommy to every child that comes into your arms-biological or otherwise. Keep the faith sister, praying alongside you in this journey.
ReplyDelete