Calloused Hearts Cannot Read Pure Intentions

You read the title correctly. They are illiterate. Blind. Calloused.

Today was a highly traumatic experience for me. One that brought me to tears... once again... and my husband to step up and draw firm boundaries between our family and El Dorado County CPS.

I got a call from Debra Brown on Tuesday afternoon asking if I could come in for a conference on Thursday. After playing phone tag, we connected and I told her I couldn't with such short notice because I'd have to arrange child care. She assured me that it was not a problem, "you can bring him. This place is kid friendly." So I asked what it was in regards to and she said that I needed to sign some paperwork to close our involvement in the placement.

Sounded easy enough, and closure is something I've been looking for!

So, today, Ethan and I showed up. They were kind to give E some toys to play with. They had me sit down at a conference-like table. Debra and her supervisor, Jail, on one end and me on the other.

Debra did most of the talking. She had me sign papers saying such things as "You were in violation of code _ _ _ _ for 'changing his name' or 'not having your babysitter fingerprinted'" (paraphrasing of course... it sounded way more formal and by the book than that).

I obediently signed and humbly admitted that "next time I will not 'change his/her name' unless and until s/he is adopted."

They would much rather I expose the child's real name to others. That or I'm not supposed to call him anything in public? A good way to feel invisible or less than equal to his peers.

But no, really. I understand.

It all has to do with the child's confusion (which... he was not. And no, you wouldn't know because you spent a few hours with him when he was in transition or... being traumatized again by their removal). I get it. It was all for the child.

But I understand that rules are rules. And rules are their key concern at El Dorado County CPS.

Then Debra slid a paper my way describing that we were in violation with code _ _ _ _ for not having our babysitter fingerprinted and therefore, were getting fined for $500.

I asked why we were getting fined when we asked our social worker several times if we were doing anything wrong and she said, "no."

This is when Jail piped in saying, "That's not her job. You should have known because it was mentioned in orientation and the PRIDE series."

I said, "I looked through the PRIDE note book and it wasn't in there. I also don't remember hearing that in the PRIDE class."

Jail: "Well that's a real problem."

"Yes, I agree."

Jail: "It's a a big problem."

"I agree." (with absolutely no sarcasm in my tone... I was earnestly agreeing)

Jail: "Well, it's in your handbook which is your bible. It's in there and it was in the classes."

"I am deeply saddened by this. I really wish you could see our hearts. We sought counsel when we had him and we were denied that truth."

Debra: "You might be trying to do a good thing, but you are still under code and now you are in trouble with the state."

Literally I was shaking at this point....

"Well, shame on us for trying to do a good thing."

So I signed the paper saying that I had received the notice that we will be getting fined.

Then I said, "You know, I really wish you would have told me about all this (prior to coming). I wish my husband were here, it feels a little 2:1."

They didn't have much to say about that.
Just like they didn't have much to say when the picked up Christian.

Then they went on to talk about my Facebook page, which they had hacked. Apparently I had 2 pictures on there of Christian. I told them I will take those down and that I was sorry.

Then they talked about my blog. I told them that there are smiley faces over his pictures. They insisted that there was one picture that you could see the side of his face and that even if it were the back of his head, his family could recognize it and sue us.

So, I told them I would take down all the pictures.

By the way, if this is the case... public television should get equally sued for blurring faces on camera.

They also wanted me to take down any writing.

I said, "If it's between me and the county, I don't see how that would be in violation of his privacy."

Our heartache, our struggles... they can't control that.
They can't smother truth.

Because really... this is the truth:

We were wrong. We broke some violations and to them, it was all potentially very serious.

It's not that we didn't ask if we were doing anything wrong - on several occasions - and that we weren't willing to fix it. This is the exact reason we were asking. We wanted to do what was best for Christian!

But this is also truth:

We loved Christian. We didn't sign up to take children for a paycheck or even for our own benefit such as another way to grow our family. We "signed up" to help children and show them what if feels like to be safe and loved... and we were committed to that for the rest of their lives if the opportunity presented itself.

And if you were a fly on the wall, you would see that Christian was safe and he was loved. Period. If that is what the county was looking for, they found it. But! They treated us all - Christian included - like objects you could just toss aside and move around as if we were board game pieces in the game of CPS.

Do not pass Go. Do not collect life giving grace. Go straight to Jail (ironic, right?).

And this is where there is complete loss.

You see, we were still open. We were still going to be open to trying again if we felt the nudge from God... we were just praying about it and the right timing.

Now...

Mark put the kibash on that. As of today, I am no longer allowed to talk with them. If they want to speak with us, they speak to him. We are done with the system (abuse included) and it looks like our prayers have been answered.

The entire ride home I sobbed. Ethan should not have been there... he should not have witnessed it. He said, "Why aren't you happy, Mommy? You're crying? Why are you crying? Those ladies were mean to you? They hurt you?"

Further evidence of their "kid friendly environment." It may be drug free, alcohol free, with security nearby. But make no mistake... it's not heart friendly.

And as a mother, I am in the business of growing, molding, encouraging, and shaping hearts to be healthy. Not broken.

And this is where there is a disconnect.

Calloused Hearts Cannot Read Pure Intentions.

And here comes the cherry. While packing up toys and getting ready to leave, Jail says,

"I hope we don't have to come back here again and you learn from your mistakes."

Nothing short of a verbal back hand across the mouth.

Not having words for this and trying really hard to love on her through it all I said, "Thank you for your time."

That was a lie.
The only lie that ever came out of my mouth this whole time.
I wasn't thankful for her time or her heartless choice of words.
None of it.

But it's all I could think to say, because when the rug is ripped out from beneath you, the wind gets knocked out of you too.

I told them both to have a good day.
That was honest.

If I told them both to have a wonderful life, that would also be honest.
I don't wish them ill will.
I wish things could change though.

We would strongly appreciate your prayers:

• Continued prayers for Christian. That he's in the home of a warm, patient, and loving family. That his soul is healing and moving on to experience the greatest of joys!
• For our family, that we would heal. It's like CPS keeps picking at a scab and forcing it to scar.
• Pray for the system. That their hearts would be open and sensitive to the children and families who put themselves out there... especially for the right reasons.

I hope our experience and trails will shine some light on what really can happen and does happen in the system. I hope to see more Jesus/more sacrificial love and life giving grace in these parts where it is so desperately needed. I hope this lights a fire within some of you to dive in, learn from our mistakes, and save some kids from a viscous cycle! Pick up the cross and follow Him.

"From now on, let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen." - Galatians 6:17-18

Interesting commentary from my Life Application Bible in regards to the above scripture...

"Paul's letter to the Galatians boldly declares the freedom of the Christian. Doubtless these early Christians in Galatia wanted to grow in the Christian life, but they were being misled by those who said this could be done only by keeping certain Jewish laws.

How strange it would be for a prisoner who had been set free to walk back into his or her cell and refuse to leave! How strange for an animal, released from a trap, to go back inside it! How sad for a believer to be freed from the bondage of sin, only to return to the rigid conformity to a set of rules and regulations!

If you believe in Jesus Christ, you have been set free. Instead of going back into some form of slavery, whether to legalism or to sin, use your freedom to live for Christ and serve Him as He desires."